I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
