his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
