I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
