it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
