Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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