Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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