I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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