So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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