Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
