There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
