Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
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