That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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