Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Text me some of your sweat
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