I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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