this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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