i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
