I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
