I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
