I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
