dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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