My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
