Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Shame - the story of my life.
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