If you die in college, do you die in real life?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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