Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
