the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
