My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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