You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
