This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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