I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
