If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
