Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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