it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
