why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
