i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
