Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
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