why im i the only drunk person in the library?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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