awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
4 words: hood of his car
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
