3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
