We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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