there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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