So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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