you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
