I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
