It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
