Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
