I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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