I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I intend to get homeless drunk
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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