This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
