He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
