Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
