I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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