question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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